Edgar Allan Poe In My Own Backyard
by linda-seton
Summary: Answer to a FF Challenge: Evil Pete, Amnesiac Lana, Lex cuffed to Chloe....oh, you get the idea
1. First

This was written in answer to the SMALLVILLE STORY DICE FAN FICTION CHALLENGE at Smallville Fan Fiction Resources. This challenge asks you to pick any of the stock television plots listed below and write a piece of Smallville fan fic. I've never been all that great at making decisions so I just decided to use them all in one story.  
  
Amnesia   
Evil Twin/Prince and the Pauper   
Undercover as a (married or dating) couple (i.e. "The surburban episode")   
Temporary blindess   
Snowed into a cabin/trapped in a mine/locked in a freezer   
Handcuffed together   
It's a Wonderful Life   
Stakeout   
The High School Egg Baby  
  
And for the fun of it I also added THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME (where people are hunted for sport), forced gladiatorial combat, an ex-lady friend of Lex's, guys in drag, an illegitimate Luthor or two and some other stuff.  
  
So, here we go...  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
  
EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD  
  
by Linda Seaton  
  
  
  
On a late Sunday afternoon, Pete Ross places a paint roller in a pan and steps back to admire his handiwork. His bedroom walls glisten a rich blue color and Pete praises himself, "Cool."  
  
Starting the clean-up process, Pete gathers and bags loose rags and a few stray paint brushes. He reaches for a can of turpentine that rests near his bed but catches the lip of the container with his thumb. The thinner splatters on the floor, the bottom of his bedspread and all over some of the random boxes hidden under his bed.  
  
"Great," Pete mutters as he kneels down and blots up the turpentine from the floor and off a dozen or so old board games and other childhood relics.   
  
Pete fails to notice the droplets of paint thinner that have landed on his rock collection. One of the rocks - a small green meteorite - begins to sizzle.  
  
"Pete, dinner is ready!" His mom calls from the kitchen.  
  
"Be right there!"   
  
Pete grabs all his paint supplies and rushes from the room.  
  
The meteorite sparks to life and throbs with a deep green color.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Across the fields of Smallville a little later that evening, Clark Kent studies in the family kitchen. He flips the page of his American History text and glances up at the hen egg resting in a basket directly across from him.   
  
"How's junior doing?" Jonathan Kent walks into the kitchen and toward the refrigerator.  
  
"Mom says it's a girl. She wants more estrogen in the house."  
  
Jonathan pours himself a glass of water and joins Clark at the table.  
  
"I have to admit son that when you told me about your biology teacher's Egg Baby assignment I thought he was cracked."  
  
Clark gives his father a look on the pun but Jonathan keeps on talking. "But it's good to see that you're taking the assignment seriously. How many more days of fatherhood do you have?"  
  
"Wednesday, we get to turn the egg in for inspection and then tell the class what we learned about parenting from the experience."  
  
"And no more carrying an egg around, right?"  
  
"Right, Dad."  
  
Jonathan looks relieved.  
  
"I'm lucky. At least I still have my egg. Unlike Pete. Someone from the football team took it. Pete said he was going to put Missing Person signs up at school tomorrow to try to get it back."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
One of the signs in question rests on Pete's desk in his bedroom as he does the last of the lettering. The sign features a drawing of an egg done to scale and large type announcing a reward for any leads about what happened to the missing baby. "Needs Medication, " Pete mutters as he finishes writing. He yawns, turns off his desk lamp and crawls into bed.   
  
Light from the full moon spilling through the window keeps him from noticing the strange luminescence seeping from under the bed. He closes his eyes and his breathing quickly becomes slow and steady.  
  
The shadow cast by the light takes on a life of its own and creeps up the side of the bed. It seemingly solidifies into a pulsing mass.  
  
Pete sleeps soundly as the shadowy presence wraps around him.  
  
Waking from a dream about a supermodel, Pete stirs in his bed. He can't shake the feeling that he is being held tightly in the embrace of his dream woman. He shoves his hand out and connects with something solid.  
  
His eyes flash open and he is nose to nose with - himself.  
  
His newly formed twin opens its eyes.  
  
They both scream in the same voice at the same time. Both Petes slide to the floor and peep over the bed at each other. They speak in tandem.  
  
"Who are you?!"  
  
"I'm Pete Ross."  
  
"No, I'm Pete Ross."  
  
Pete's hand comes down on the edge of his rock collection and he notices the still flickering meteorite. "Oh, man, Chloe! Why does she always have to be right?"  
  
Faux Pete grins. "Do you want to kill Chloe?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Pete, are you taking the bus this morning? You better get a move on!" Pete's mother calls from somewhere downstairs.  
  
"I'll be down in a sec, Mom!"  
  
Faux Pete smiles once again. "Do you want to kill your mother?'  
  
"No, I love my mom. And what have you got against women? I like women."  
  
"We have to kill someone."  
  
"No, we don't!"  
  
"How about Lex Luthor?" Faux Pete smiles.  
  
Pete takes a moment too long to answer. Still smiling, his double gets to his feet and moves to the closet. He tosses Pete a black t-shirt, a pair of khaki pants and then finds a nearly identical ensemble for himself.  
  
"Dressing alike will make it easier to get out of the house."  
  
Pete continues to sit on the floor in a stunned kind of silence as his doppelganger puts on his clothes.  
  
"Coming, or not? Going to help me kill Lex Luthor, or not?"  
  
Faux Pete makes for the door.  
  
"Wait." Pete struggles into pants and shirt as he pursues Faux Pete. He can't let him hurt anyone - even Lex Luthor.  
  
tbc 


	2. Next to First

EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD  
  
by Linda Seaton  
  
  
The writing of the letter had been easy. Penning a suicide note had never seemed a possibility but Lex Luthor had just discovered he was surprisingly good at it. He smiles and thinks it is a shame that he only gets to do this once.  
  
Placing the note in the dead center of his desk, Lex slides on his favorite coat and discards his cell phone. No more phone calls from Daddy-Dearest. The one this morning was going to be the last.  
  
Lionel had once again pushed Lex to try to make him return to Metropolis. Lionel had told him that when he had acquired the Smallville Savings and Loan he had also gotten some sort of land grant that dated back to the pre-Civil War era. In effect, Lionel Luthor had somehow wound up owning all the land that makes up Smallville. Unless Lex returned to Metropolis as obedient son, Smallville would be turned into an industrial waste dump.   
  
Lex strolls to the doorway and surveys his office for the last time. He could have gone back to Metropolis. Suicide? Self-sacrifice is not something known to be in the Luthor genetic hardwiring. Which is what makes this suicide so perfect. His father will be so baffled by it that he will spend years trying to figure out what really pushed Lex over the edge. It couldn't because he wanted to save a town. No, it had to be something bigger and better than that.  
  
Lex smiles. There's a bridge out there with his name on it. He hurries off to reintroduce himself to his destiny.   
  
As soon as he is out of the room his cell phone begins to trill.  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
At Smallville High the end of day bell rings. As the other students hurry from the classroom, Clark cups his egg in his palm and then slides it into a particularly thick sock.  
  
"I think yours looks like Lex. Is there something I should know, Clark?"  
  
"Very funny." He glares at Chloe as she walks up beside him with her egg held a lot less carefully in her hand. "You should be more careful with that."  
  
"Clark Kent expert parent." He looks alarmed as Chloe shoves the egg into her bookbag.  
  
"Chloe, your egg?"  
  
"Oh, I drilled a hole in the bottom, drained the yolk and refilled it with ball bearings and rubber cement. It's fine."  
  
"That's cheating."  
  
"This egg is no child of mine, Clark. I'm expecting a few more survival skills." She smiles at him and produces her car keys. "Are you sure you don't want to come? See the graffiti outbreak that is scandalizing all of Smallville?"  
  
"I'm not really fond of that bridge, Chloe. And I think I'm going to swing by Pete's to see why he was a no show today."  
  
"Teacher conference and half-day of school. Pete probably sweet-talked his mom into letting him take the full day."  
  
Clark watches as Chloe scrambles out of the classroom slamming her bag against several desks and the door facing. He pats his egg reassuringly as he walks carefully out into the hallway.  
  
His attention so focused on conveying the egg, Clark does not notice the janitor's gear in the hallway. He trips and the mop snaps upright just as Lana Lang turns the hallway corner.  
  
The mop handle connects with Lana's head. There's an odd hollow thwack and she falls back. Out cold.  
  
"Lana!"  
  
Clark kneels beside the girl and gently touches her face. She moans. Her eyes flutter open and she focuses on Clark.  
  
"Who am I?"  
  
"Lana?"  
  
"Lana?"  
  
Clark realizes this could go on indefinitely so he tries to explain. "Your name is Lana Lang. Don't you remember?"  
  
"Who are you?" She pushes herself up to a sitting position.  
  
"My name is Clark Kent. And I think we should get you to the hospital."  
  
He half-lifts Lana into his arms and guides her down the hallway while still protecting his egg.  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
Standing in Lex's office, Lionel reads the suicide note and his face is a cipher. Finally, he pockets the letter and sits down behind the desk. He tugs a small brown book out of his pocket and flips through the pages.  
  
He stops when he comes to one labeled: "Replacement Lexs/Illegitimate Luthors". The page contains about a dozen names. The first two have been scratched out and someone has penciled in "Deceased: Amsterdam" with the date 4/5/97 beside the first and 12/3/99 beside the second.  
  
Lionel puts is finger on the next name in sequence: Lucien Luthor. He dials the corresponding number.  
  
"It's time. I need you to send, Lucien to Smallville." There's a long pause as Lionel listens. "He's on vacation on Europe. Amsterdam.... never mind."  
  
Lionel hangs up the phone and scratches through Lucien. He moves to the next name: Lester Luthor. He dials again.  
  
"It's time. I need you to send Lester to Smallville." Lionel jerks the phone away from his ear to try to shield himself from the happy screams.  
  
"I'm going to Smallville, I'm going to Smallville, I'm going to Smallville, I'm going to Smallville...."  
  
Lionel hangs up the phone, bows his head and rubs his face.   
  
"Lex...."  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
Lex walks from his car and toward the bridge. He debates on taking off his coat and decides to leave it on. He knows that the coat will make it more difficult for the coroner to perform an autopsy and for some reason that amuses him.   
  
Leaning against the railing of the bridge, Lex watches the flat, rippleless brown water. If the fall doesn't kill him then he'll have to drown. A good swimmer, Lex knows drowning himself will not be easy. He takes a few more steps so that he is directly above swiftly flowing water and a series of boulders and rocks. He rubs the top of his head one last time.  
  
Steeling himself with a series of breaths, he hoists himself onto the rail of the bridge. He focuses all his attention on the water.  
  
He does not notice the fast approaching Ford Falcon. Behind the wheel, Chloe does see the suicidal Lex Luthor.  
  
A moment of panic sets in as she stops the car and surveys the interior. Cell phone won't help. Her camera, well it could get her college tuition with a series of shots, but no. Then she sees the handcuffs dangling from her rearview mirror like fuzzy dice gone bad. She realizes she can handcuff him to the bridge.  
  
She grabs and unlocks the cuffs, pockets the keys and runs for all she is worth toward Lex.  
  
He balances precariously on the railing. He closes his eyes, reconsiders and opens them again. He lifts one foot and then suddenly he is tugged back. He struggles, he grapples, he rolls around on the pavement with a streak of blonde and comes up handcuffed to Chloe Sullivan.  
  
They blink at each as both realize his left hand is manacled to her right. They get to their feet.  
  
"Why do you have handcuffs?"  
  
A badly rattled Chloe begins to laugh. "You were going to kill yourself and you're concerned about me having handcuffs?"  
  
Suddenly, Lex is even more right on top of her than before. He grabs her tightly by the upper arms and half lifts her off the ground.  
  
"Where are the keys for the handcuffs, Chloe?"  
  
Almost as if she cannot help herself, Chloe's gaze travels to her coat pocket. Lex stretches across her and invades the pocket. With his attention focused elsewhere, Chloe throws the keys that she has cupped in the palm of her hand. Lex realizes what she has done and looks up just in time to watch the keys sail over the side of the bridge.  
  
He cannot help himself and charges over to the side of the bridge with Chloe in tow.  
  
He looks at her. No words will come. Instead he makes a strange humming sound that seems to grow louder as his face gets more flushed. Finally, he manages, "What have you done, you, you..."  
  
"No name calling. I just saved your life and now I'm not letting go of it." She tries for a dramatic turn and walk but Lex holds his ground and her in place.  
  
"Where do you think you're going."  
  
"Car." Chloe gestures toward her Ford and Lex shakes his head.  
  
"We're taking my car."  
  
Chloe shakes the handcuffs. "I'm on the right and unless the steering wheel of your car is on the wrong side then I'm driving." He glares at her but Chloe refuses to be cowed. " Jumping off a bridge? Not only is that crazy but, but, it's also kind of common. I'd expect a slightly more glamorous death from Lex Luthor."  
  
She gestures with both hands as Lex tries to keep his distance. She rambles on, "I'm driving. And I think the first place I'm going to take you to is the psychiatric ward at the hospital."  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
The emergency room doctor moves his finger back and forth and up and down in front of Lana's face. "She doesn't have a concussion. I think you should just take her home and let her rest. Don't let her go to sleep for at least three hours but other than that...."  
  
"But what about her memory?" Clark asks.  
  
Lana nods her head in agreement. What about her memory?  
  
"Since I transferred here from Metropolis General last month I've seen thousands of cases of temporary amnesia. If it doesn't wear off by tomorrow bring her back in."  
  
The doctor moves off leaving Clark to help Lana with her coat.   
  
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble."  
  
"It's all my fault. If I hadn't been so concerned about my egg."  
  
"Your egg?"  
  
Clark produces the egg. "As part of a class project we have to take care of an egg for a week. To prove our parenting skills."  
  
"So, I have an egg too? Somewhere out there on it's own?"  
  
"I guess. But I think amnesia is a valid excuse for not caring for an egg."  
  
"Would that be a valid excuse for not caring for a real child?"  
  
Clark smiles and marvels at Lana's level of responsibility. "We can stop by the school and get your stuff out of your locker. Maybe your egg is there."  
  
Lana smiles and hooks her arm through Clark's. He leads her from the room.  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
With two large suitcases held in his meaty paws, Lester Luthor strides through the open doorway of his new ancestral home. He's dressed in a poorly fitting plaid suit and wearing a baseball cap. He passes off the bags to the wary butler.  
  
"Dad, I'm home!"  
  
Lionel practically slides into the entry hall. Lester is suddenly right on top of him and locks him in a tight bear hug.  
  
"Dad."  
  
Lionel extricates himself. "It's nice to see you Lester." He walks around the young man. Lester bears a striking resemblance to Lex facially but he is probably a good six inches taller and a hundred pounds heavier. He also sports a thick head of wavy dark hair and a single inky eyebrow.  
  
"Lester, from now on you're going to be called 'Lex'. Do you have any objections to having your head shaved?"  
  
"No, sir."  
  
"Good. While we can't do anything about the height difference..." Lionel circles around Lester. "Do you think you should lose some weight?"  
  
"I'm three percent body fat." Lester shrugs out of his suit jacket to reveal massive, chiseled arms.  
  
Lionel smiles. "I suppose Lex could have been working out."  
  
He puts his hand on Lester's back and guides him toward Lex's office. "What's the last book you read, son?"  
  
"I don't read much. I stopped going to school in 7th grade because of the rages..."  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
Near the Luthor estate, a giant sedan circa 1972, peels out and leaves Pete and Faux Pete behind in a cloud of dust.  
  
"This is the first and last time I hitch hike anywhere." Pete glares at his twin.  
  
"Live a little." Faux Pete starts walking in the general direction of Luthor house.  
  
Pete follows a little reluctantly. "Mrs. Hiller is going to tell my mom that there was two of me in her car."   
  
"And is your mother going to believe some half-blind little old lady who tells her that her son has a long-lost twin?"  
  
"I hope not."   
  
Faux Pete quickens his pace toward the house and Pete glances back worriedly in the direction the car had sped off.  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
Belted in the massive car, the frail Mrs. Hiller puts both feet on the accelerator. She risks a glance back over her shoulder.  
  
Behind the wheel of the family truck, Clark swerves hard to miss the oncoming car. Lana yelps and holds on as he regains control of the vehicle.  
  
"Are you okay, Lana?"  
  
"I'm fine. What was that?"  
  
"That was Mrs. Hiller. And she's driving really fast for someone who is eighty-three. I hope nothing's wrong."  
  
"You worry a lot, don't you Clark?" Lana cradles his egg child in her hand.  
  
"Smallville, this town, does that to you."  
  
"I'm beginning to get that. I don't really remember anything but I just can't shake the feeling that at any second something might fall out of the sky."  
  
Clark glances down but says nothing.  
  
tbc... 


	3. Middle

EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD  
  
by Linda Seaton  
  
  
  
With newly shaven head and plucked brow, Lester sits behind Lex's desk which is covered with thousands of books, documents and agendas. Lester wears a sweater that seems to be giving him nothing but grief. He scratches his chest and back simultaneously.   
  
"This thing is really itchy."  
  
Standing in front of the desk, Lionel closes his eyes.  
  
"Cashmere is not 'itchy'. It is a luxury item and luxury items are not 'itchy'."  
  
"So, I used to wear this all the time before I was me?"  
  
Lionel tries to process the sentence and merely nods.   
  
"I always thought he looked like a pansy. But you gotta have staying power to wear this all the time."  
  
"Lex...."  
  
"That's me, I remember."  
  
"Lex, I have to go to a board meeting in Metropolis. I hate to leave you but I think I've given you enough materials to occupy you until I get back this evening. If you need anything ask the butler or his wife."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"You should try to read through the general information about LuthorCorp. first and then move on to the books."  
  
Lester picks up a copy of THE ILIAD and flips through the pages. He smiles happily when he finds a drawing of Achilles charging Hector. "Cool, fighting. I like to fight."  
  
Lionel merely shakes his head and sweeps from the room. "I'll be back by seven, Lex."  
  
"Alright Dad!"  
  
Lionel rushes out of the house and almost dives into his waiting car. The driver speeds off down the drive.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Just then, Pete and Faux Pete arrive at the gate of the Luthor estate.  
  
"We should just go home." Pete starts to turn away just as the gate begins to open. Faux Pete drags his companion into the bushes and they watch as Lionel's car flashes past.  
  
Faux Pete runs through the rapidly closing gate and Pete pursues.  
  
"It's not very hard to get into this place."  
  
"We're not in the house yet." Pete mutters and then cannot believe he just said what he said.  
  
"See, you're having fun!"  
  
Pete sags a little as he and his twin creep along edge of the guesthouse.  
  
Faux Pete glances inside and spots a platinum blonde in a French maid's uniform reading through a sheathe of papers all stamped "Top Secret". He points. "The maid. I think we just found our way into the house."  
  
"I think we could just probably walk in." Pete sighs.  
  
He trails after Faux Pete as he opens the door to the guesthouse. He whispers, "What are you going to do?"  
  
Just then the butler slams the door of the main house and hurries toward the servant's quarters. The two Petes dive inside just as the butler tears into the house. The duo crouch behind a large umbrella stand full of peacock feathers as the butler calls to the maid. "Something weirder than usual is happening in the main house!"  
  
The maid rushes into the room. She tosses aside her blonde wig and embraces the man. "I know, but look. I have the plans." The man takes them from her. "After six months of trying to steal them from Luthor Jr. that idiot just handed them to me and said 'put these somewhere, will ya'.  
  
The butler grins. "Then we're out of here!"  
  
The jubilant pair race from the house. The two Petes ease out into the center of the room.  
  
"Perfect!" Faux Pete celebrates.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're going to pose as the happily married butler and maid to infiltrate the Luthor estate and kill Lex. We just have to find their uniforms." Faux Pete scoops up the discarded blonde wig and fixes it on his head. "I get to be the maid."  
  
Pete shrugs. "Fine by me."  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
A world away at Smallville High, Clark and Lana reach her locker in the deserted school hallway.  
  
She smiles a little blankly at the lock. "I don't know the combination."  
  
"Let me." Clark steps in, blocks Lana's view and superspeeds through every numerical combination. The lock falls to the floor. Lana stoops to get it as Clark pulls open the locker door. Lana straightens and the top of her head connects with the locker. She falls to the floor.  
  
"Lana!"  
  
She rolls over and kind of looks up at him. "Clark, I can't see!"  
  
"Oh, shoot."  
  
"Let's go back to the hospital." Clark grabs Lana's bag out of the locker and then gently lifts her into his arms. With her head nestled against his neck, Lana sighs.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Trapped in a remarkably similar position, Lex drives with Chloe's head resting on his right shoulder and her hand clasped around his wrist.  
  
"This can't be very comfortable for you." Chloe lifts her head. "It would have been a lot easier if you just let me drive."  
  
He glances down at her. "This will teach you to try to be heroic."  
  
"Oh, I'm fine. Your shoulder's fairly comfortable." She wiggles a little so she can look out the window. "Where are we going by the way?"  
  
"A locksmith."  
  
"Hello, Mr. Locksmith, you might recognize me, I'm Lex Luthor and I have this underaged girl handcuffed to me. Can you help?"   
  
Lex reaches down and brushes her thigh as he shifts the gears of the car.   
  
Chloe starts back. "Hey, watch the hands."  
  
Lex ignores her as he spins the steering wheel. Chloe slides and struggles to hold her position.  
  
"Where to now?"  
  
"The Kent farm."  
  
"Clark went over to Pete's after school. So, it'll be 'Hello, Mr. Kent could you help me get your son's one time pseudo-girlfriend off my wrist?' "  
  
Lex slouches down a little. "The locksmith is likely to have me arrested and Jonathan Kent is likely to kill me."  
  
"With his bare hands."  
  
Lex pulls off the road and angrily jerks both hands off the wheel. He yanks Chloe's arm across his stomach; the bridge of her nose and cheek connects with his jaw.  
  
She pulls back as her eyes well with tears.   
  
"I'm sorry. Are you hurt?"  
  
She rubs her nose and stares at him. "No."   
  
"Chloe Sullivan reduced to a single syllable. You must be hurt." He tilts her face up and examines the angry red streak across her nose and the bruise already forming under her left eye. "Wonderful. I've managed to give you a black eye."  
  
Chloe chokes down a giggle. He glares at her.  
  
"No, officer, I'm fine. No, he didn't hit me. The handcuffs, well it's a long story."  
  
"Where did you get handcuffs?"  
  
"Why were you trying to kill yourself?"   
  
"You first." They say it together.  
  
Chloe relents, "Do you remember me being kidnapped by crazy deputy and being buried alive? They're his cuffs. I wanted a souvenir and they wouldn't let me have his gun."  
  
"That's a shame." He puts the car in gear and they're once again rolling. "About the gun." He shifts. "And you expect me to have forgotten the fact that you were buried alive? Edgar Allan Poe in my own backyard."  
  
"Many, many horrible things happen in this town. It's hard to remember them all." Chloe repositions herself so her bad eye is more clearly in Lex's line of vision. "So, what horrible thing put you on the side of that bridge?"  
  
"Did you ever wish you had never been born?"  
  
"It's only Monday. Ask again on Wednesday."  
  
"This isn't at all funny. You know that my father acquired the Smallville bank? When he did, he managed to get his hands on some sort of land grant. It turns out he now owns this entire town. Unless I follow him back to Metropolis he's going to wipe this place off the map."  
  
"So, you've convinced yourself that you're doing the noble thing. That killing yourself will save the town. That's ridiculous. If you had died the first time you went off the bridge then things would have been different. But now you've worked your way into the lives of the people here. Do you really think your father would just forget that?"  
  
Lex tries to pull away from her but only tugs the cuffed Chloe closer as she continues.  
  
"He'd gladly destroy Smallville and personally doze through the Kent's on his way out of town. Smallville is Carthage, you father is Rome and he'll have no problems coming up with the sodium chloride."  
  
"That might be the strangest reference I've ever heard made to Romans salting the earth in the Third Punic War."  
  
"How often do people refer to the Third Punic War in your world?"  
  
"Not nearly often enough."  
  
"And this book?"  
  
"It was at the Savings and Loan, but my father has probably already had it moved."  
  
"But he couldn't have. The book is only valid as long as it stays in the bank - it's the same bank location-wise that has been there for a hundred and fifty years. And it's a condition of any of those land grant laws that the book has to stay in the bank."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"I don't know. I needed the information and it was just there."  
  
"So, all we have to do is rob the bank and steal the book?"  
  
Chloe smiles. "Better than suicide."  
  
"It's probably going to be easier than suicide. Hold on."  
  
He floors the accelerator. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a blur of blue and swerves out of the way just in time to miss the oncoming Kent truck.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Clark brakes hard and the truck slides to a stop. He looks off in the direction of the disappearing sportscar.  
  
The newly blinded Lana whimpers. "What just happened."  
  
"It was nothing. Almost just another fender bender. Nothing serious. They happen all the time."  
  
"Really? Why do people live in this town?"  
  
"Sometimes I wonder that myself."  
  
Clark steers the truck in the direction of the hospital.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Across town, Lester sits at Lex's desk going through a folder labeled "Smallville." There are a series of photos that he keeps flipping through as he says the name of the person photographed. "Clark Kent. He saved my life." Lester turns the photo over and reads the stuff on the back. He nods and moves on.   
  
"Lana Lang. Business partner in the Claw coffee shop." He checks the back. "Talon. I like Claw better." He lifts a hand and tries to make it claw-like.   
  
He looks at the next photo and smiles almost dreamily. "Chloe Sullivan. Reporter. Blonde." The photo of Chloe has a large heart drawn around her. Lester sighs.  
  
He picks up the mini-tape recorder on the desk and clears his voice. He presses play. "Marry Chloe Sullivan." He switches off the recorder and then turns it on again. "Ask her to dinner first."  
  
Pete, dressed in tie and tails, and Faux Pete, clad in a very short French Maid uniform, watch Lester from the doorway.  
  
"There's our target." Faux Pete motions toward Lester.  
  
Pete squints at the large man who seems to wearing a Lex Luthor costume. "That's not Lex. That's just someone who kind of looks like Lex."  
  
Faux Pete rolls his eyes. "Nice try. I know I'm a newborn but you're not going to confuse me that easily. We are in Lex Luthor's house. We are at Lex Luthor's office. There is a bald, cashmere-wearing guy at Lex Luthor's desk. Who else is it going to be?"  
  
Before Pete can argue there comes the sharp tap of footsteps. They scurry off as a woman sashays toward the office.  
  
"Lex!"   
  
Lester looks up from Chloe's photo to greet a particularly sleek young woman in a floor length fur coat, fur hat and a leather dress.   
  
He pulls his sweater's collar away from his neck and inspects all her fur. "Aren't you hot?"  
  
"Ow sweet of you to nawteece." Magdalina Draganov shimmies over to the desk and leans across. She strokes the top of Lester's head. "I vas afraid you had forgotten your old friend Magdalina."  
  
They both stare at each other a beat - both realizing they haven't a clue who the other is.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Alvays to the point, Lex. I so much admire that quality." She sidles over and perches on the edge of the desk. "I ave heard that your bather has begun construction on a secret project in my homeland of Bulgaria."  
  
"Bather?"  
  
"Bather. Your bather Vionel. You must velp me stop him, Lex." She seizes his hand and begins to kiss it passionately. Lester shifts uncomfortably and saves Chloe's photo from being mashed. He uncovers a folder labeled "BULGARIA - TOP SECRET" from the pile.  
  
"Why don't you just take this." Lester hands the folder to Magdalina who blinks at him a little surprised.  
  
"Is this some kind of twick?"  
  
Lester's brow furrows. "I don't think so." He spots Pete peeking through the door. "Hey, butler guy, show Ms. Margarine here out, will ya?"  
  
Pete cautiously approaches and leads the happy Bulgarian out of the office. He looks back over his shoulder at Lester.  
  
Lester catches him looking. "Could you get me some magazines. With girls in them. Not necessarily naked girls."  
  
Pete nods and hurries out realizing that Lex Luthor might also be having a really strange a day. Pete finds the idea disturbing and a little thrilling.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Less than thrilled with the current circumstance, Lex hovers beside Chloe in an alleyway across the street from the bank.   
  
She checks her watch, 5:15.  
  
"Okay, the only one left is Mr. Coburn. There he is pulling down the blind. This is our chance. He's going to go into the back to turn out the lights. We have 45 seconds to get across the street and inside."  
  
"You've staked out this bank, before?" Lex asks against his better judgement.  
  
She ignores him as she scopes out the pretty much deserted street.  
  
"C'mon!" She tugs him along behind her as they cut across the street.   
  
They reach the bank.   
  
Lex opens the door and they slide inside and dive behind one of the teller's counters as Mr. Coburn returns from the back.  
  
The man switches off the lights, triggers the alarm and moves to the door. He surveys the bank, smiles and locks the door behind him as he leaves.  
  
Lex and Chloe cautiously poke their heads up.  
  
"Yes, we're in!" Chloe whispers. "The book is probably in the vault." She attempts to drag Lex toward the back but he holds his ground. Her feet slide out from under her and he catches her to keep her from falling face first to the ground. Regaining her balance, she turns to him. "What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know why it surprises me that my guardian angel has a larcenous heart."  
  
"Me, a guardian angel? You mean like the suicide-preventing Clarence in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE? Please. And I think this whole thing is far more felonious than larcenous."  
  
She tugs him along behind her.  
  
"Are you always like this, Chloe?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
They ease down a narrow hallway leading toward the vault.  
  
"Someone sets a task in front of you and you just do whatever it takes?"  
  
"Yes," she replies as if it were the most obvious of observations.  
  
"Any designs on world domination?"  
  
Before she can answer they reach the vault which oddly enough is ajar. Just then, Chloe and Lex hear the entry door of the bank open and then the sound of footsteps.   
  
They hustle into the vault just as the muttering Mr. Coburn returns.  
  
"I did forget to close it..." Mr. Coburn shoves the vault closed and hurries back out.  
  
Inside the vault, Lex and Chloe exchange somewhat worried looks.   
  
Lex whispers, "I can hardly wait until tomorrow morning when they find me manacled to a schoolgirl inside the vault of a bank."  
  
Chloe scans the inky interior of the vault. "Let's find the book."  
  
"Chloe? We're locked in the vault."  
  
"Even if we're trapped in here we can still shred that book into confetti."  
  
"I think my father would hire a team to have it reconstructed."  
  
"Not if we eat most of the pieces."  
  
Lex gives in and follows Chloe as she searches for the book. Unearthing a leather book tied together with rawhide, Chloe cautiously opens it and lifts her keys above the pages. She flips on her penlight. She and Lex peruse the land grant book.  
  
"We'll we've got it." Lex, not designed to be locked in a vault, paces around Chloe like a dog on a very short handcuff leash. She holds the book against her stomach and shines the penlight at her companion as he comes and goes. He demands, "So, what do you know that could get us out of this?"  
  
"Did you know it is a state law in Kansas that vaults have to have an inner release? That was instituted after all those people in Bakersfield suffocated to death in 1977 during that freak bank robbery and blizzard."  
  
He just looks at her for a long moment.  
  
"What?" She asks a little worriedly.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
He hurries over to the vault with Chloe trailing behind. She shines her tiny light on the vault as he runs his free hand over the surface of the metal. Finding a slight indentation and a handle of sorts, he pulls and the vault wheezes open.  
  
He and Chloe rush out of the vault as she turns off her penlight.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
At the Smallville hospital the emergency room doctor flashes a light in front of Lana's eyes. "She doesn't seem to have a concussion. My best guess is that she has a pinched a nerve. She should be fine. Just take her home and let her rest. And if she can't see by tomorrow morning bring her back in."  
  
Clark just stares at the doctor. "She has amnesia and she can't see! What has to be wrong with you before you get to stay in the hospital?"  
  
The doctor shrugs and moves off.  
  
"Clark, did that doctor just 'guess' about what is wrong with me?"  
  
"I'm going to take you to my home. My mom or dad will know what to do?"  
  
He gently leads Lana out of the emergency room for the second time that day. Clark sighs as he tries to shake the feeling that everyone's day would have been better if he had just gone to the bridge with Chloe. Or better yet, stayed home like Pete.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Pete Ross sits at a table in the servants' quarters polishing silverware. He is so distracted by the thousands of pieces of silver in front of him he fails to notice Faux Pete slipping out one of the doorways.   
  
Pete asks, "You think you can help?" When there is no answer he searches the room and realizes Faux Pete is most likely up to something murderous. Pete pursues the assassin.  
  
In the main house, Faux Pete procures a particularly heavy candlestick and heads toward Lex's office. He slips under the curtain that covers one of the windows and makes his way toward the oblivious Lester.  
  
With his tongue protruding from the corner of his mouth, Lester finishes cutting out Chloe's head from the photo. He carefully places Chloe's face on the page of the magazine in front of him. The cutout is probably five times too large for the body of the bride with her bouquet.  
  
Lester scowls at the groom's face and digs in his pocket. He produces his driver's license and lines up the mug shot photo of himself with the groom's body. The giant-headed Chloe regards the tiny-skulled Lester with loving eyes.  
  
"Perfect."  
  
Lester sits back to admire the image.  
  
Faux Pete creeps out from under the curtain and charges up behind Lester with the candlestick raised. Pete slides into the room, dives forward and tackles his twin.  
  
The two thrash around on the floor and Lester watches them with more curiosity than concern.  
  
Pete shoves Faux Pete back. The wig goes flying and lands just at Lester's feet. Picking up the wig, Lester regards the two brawling Petes. He lurches forward, grabs them both by the back of their shirts, plops them back on the floor and shakes the wig at them.  
  
"This just won't do. In ancient Greece, twins were, twins were..."  
  
He races over to his desk and ruffles through a series of books. He reads, " 'The ancient Greeks considered twins to be unlucky. Often times the weaker of the two twins was abandoned on a mountainside and allowed to die of exposure.' "  
  
Lester closes the book. "Well, I just don't have time enough to expose one of you for long enough to kill you, so..." He flips through another book. "Oh, here's something that sounds fun that the Romans used to do. You two are going to fight to the death for my amusement."  
  
Faux Pete crosses his arms. "I don't think so."  
  
Lester pulls a .45 out from under the books and points it at the two Petes.  
  
"Oh, man." Both Petes mutter.  
  
"Go get weapons off the wall." Lester orders and the two resigned young men obey.  
  
After some testing, the two Petes face each other with three feet long swords and heavy shields. The weight bears down on both of them and they keep shifting from side to side.  
  
Lester stands back and admires the scene.   
  
"Okay, on the count of three. 1, 2, 3, go."  
  
The Petes exchange a look and Faux Pete swipes at his twin with the sword. The metal connects with the shield and there's a flash of sparks.  
  
"Yes!" Lester motions for them to continue.  
  
Really slowly, the two Petes parry, thrust, duck and turn. They both flounder back and take a breath before resuming the battle.  
  
"What's the incentive for one of us to win?" Faux Pete asks as he ducks under Pete's sword.  
  
"Nothing really. Whichever of you wins I plan on hunting for sport."  
  
Both Petes stop fighting. "What?"  
  
"Setting you loose on the grounds and then hunting you." Lester replies as if they are idiots.  
  
"Is that also Greek or Roman history?" Pete asks.  
  
"No, from a late night movie I saw as a kid. It was very exciting. It's a shame one of you isn't a girl. It'd be more like the movie." He considers the wig on the desk. "Stop fighting."  
  
The two Petes obey.  
  
"Put this on." Lester tosses the wig to Pete who socks the mop on his head. He surveys the two young men. "Give the wig to the other one."  
  
Pete hands off the wig to Faux Pete who dons it.  
  
"Much better." Lester smiles. "I'll just hunt you both. Take off your clothes."  
  
tbc... 


	4. Next to Last

EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD  
  
by Linda Seaton  
  
  
With her egg and Clark's egg resting in her bag on her lap, Lana sits in the passenger seat of the Kent truck. Clark looks at her worriedly.  
  
"It's kind of unusual that I had the truck today. We're lucky because I had promised to give some wood to Lex after school."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Most of the time I take the bus to school but because I had to deliver the firewood I had the truck."  
  
"Oh. Who's Lex?"  
  
"He's a friend. He's really rich and lives in this giant house outside of town. You manage a coffee shop that he owns."  
  
"Oh. Aren't I in high school? How do I manage a business?"  
  
"You're very talented."  
  
"Oh. Clark are you my boyfriend?"  
  
"No, we're just friends."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Suddenly, from the edging forest Pete Ross (wearing only his boxers) charges out across the road and disappears from sight.  
  
Clark stomps down on the brakes and the truck screeches to a stop just as Faux Pete (also in his boxers) flashes across the road.   
"Pete?!"  
  
"Pete?" Lana asks as she cradles the eggs.  
  
"He's a friend of ours and they just ran across the road in front of us."  
  
"They?"  
  
"There were two of them and there should have only been one. Stay put, Lana. Lock the door and wait. I'll be right back."  
  
Clark superspeeds off leaving the small, blinded, amnesiac girl in the truck with the eggs.  
  
Lana sits bolt upright. She thinks she hears steps and then there is a soft tapping on the window.  
  
"Lana?"  
  
"Who's there?" She turns in the direction of Lester's voice.  
  
"It's Lex Luthor. Are you alright?"  
  
"Oh, Lex. I can't see." She opens the truck door and Lester leans in and gives a strange look to the eggs. "Clark was here and then he ran off."  
  
"Here's my hand. Why don't you come back to the house with me."  
  
Some little internal non-concussed inner voice tells Lana that something is very wrong. "Thanks, Lex, but I think I'll just wait."  
  
Lester sighs and reaches in for Lana.   
  
She kicks and punches. "Let me go!"  
  
The eggs go flying. Lester manhandles her out of the truck and accidentally knocks her head against the door. She is out cold.  
  
Lester throws her over his shoulder and heads back toward the house.  
  
"Couldn't be easy. You couldn't be Chloe."  
  
The voices of Lester and Lana reach Clark. He slows and listens. But then he hears two voices that sound remarkably like Pete.  
  
"I think we lost him."  
  
"But what now?"  
  
"Pete?" Clark calls out.  
  
"Clark!" Two voices answer in tandem as Pete and Faux Pete emerge from some underbrush.  
  
"What happened? Why are there two of you and why are you in your underpants?"  
  
"It was the meteor rock, Clark." Pete explains. "I spilled some paint thinner on one in my rock collection and when I woke up he was there."   
  
Pete gestures toward Faux Pete who takes up the rest of the story. "And Lex Luthor stripped us down and is hunting us for sport."  
  
"What?"  
  
"But it's not the real Lex, Clark. It looks like someone wearing a Lex suit. I don't know what's going on."  
  
Clark shakes his head and tries desperately to fathom what is happening.  
  
"I left Lana in the truck just up there. Let's go to my house and we'll call Chloe. Maybe she can figure out what to do."  
  
The two Petes nod in tandem and follow Clark back toward the road.  
  
They find the truck door open, eggs splattered everywhere and no sign of Lana.  
  
"Someone's kidnapped Lana! There's no way she'd let anything happen to those eggs." Clark spins in a fast circle.  
  
"Someone being our man Lex." Faux Pete comments.  
  
"I guess we're storming the castle, huh?" Pete straightens.  
  
"And we're going to kill this non-Lex Luthor!" Faux Pete offers.  
  
"We're not going to kill anybody, man. It's just not cool."  
  
Clark, flanked on each side by a Pete, hurries toward the distant Luthor estate. Using his x-ray vision, Clark scans the upper floors of the mansion. He thinks he can make out the prone figure of Lana Lang.  
  
Lying in the center of king-sized bed, Lana gasps. She opens her eyes and then a smile spreads across her face.  
  
"My name is Lana Lang and I can see."  
  
She sits up and finds herself alone in one of the bedrooms of the Luthor house. She knows it has to be the Luthor house because no one else in Smallville has that many ancient Grecian knick-knacks.  
  
She gets to her feet and moves to the door. It is of course locked.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
There's a shuffling sound on the other side of the door and an unfamiliar voice responds, "If you're awake I need for you to do me a favor."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Lex Luthor."  
  
Lana knows it is not Lex but does not know what to do. She leans against the door.  
  
"Alright Lex, what do you want me to do?"  
  
"Call Chloe and get her to come here."  
  
Suddenly the handset of a phone is shoved through the crack as the bottom of the door with its curling cord stretched behind it.  
  
"What do you want with Chloe?"  
  
"Just call, please."   
  
He sounds a lot like a desperate teen-age girl, which frightens Lana. She presses the phone to her ear. "Okay, you can dial. Her cell phone is 555-0164 ."  
  
Chloe's phone rings and she grapples with her coat's left pocket trying to retrieve it.  
  
Behind the wheel of his car, Lex pulls back from her probing finger. "Hey, watch your hands." He smirks in her direction.  
  
She finds her phone and presses it to her ear. "This is Chloe."  
  
Lana sighs, "Chloe this is Lana. Lex Luthor needs to see you. And what's that heavy breathing sound?"  
  
"That is the breathing sound of Lex Luthor. Lana what's going on?"  
  
"Please, Chloe, just come to the Luthor estate." Lana pleads.  
  
The phone goes dead and Chloe moves her face back a few inches so she can focus on Lex.  
  
"Did you know that you need to see me?"  
  
"Chloe, if I see any more of you, your father is going to hunt me down and kill me."  
  
"That was Lana. She's at your estate and she just said that you were there and wanted to see me."  
  
Lex grows murderously still. He swerves the car off the road and puts it in park. Then he explodes. "My father!" Lex yells as he beats his hands against the steering wheel. "I don't believe he did it!"  
  
Bobbing and weaving to keep from getting another black eye, Chloe shouts, "What has he done?"  
  
"He's replaced Lex, me, with one of his bastard children."  
  
Chloe sits in silence for a moment, tries to find words, remains silent and then offers, "That's insane. He's got another Lex?"  
  
Lex begins pounding the steering wheel again.  
  
"Stop!" Chloe commands. He listens. "Your father has installed a pretender to the throne. We just have to depose him. It's not like he's lived with your father all his life and endured decades of emotional and mental abuse. You think this bastard Luthor is tougher than a legitimate Luthor?"  
  
"No he isn't." He turns to face her.  
  
"Well, what are we going to do?"  
  
He smiles, "Next time I'll let you drive."  
  
And the car flashes off.  
  
tbc... 


	5. Last

EDGAR ALLAN POE IN MY OWN BACKYARD  
  
by Linda Seaton  
  
  
Clark and the two Petes linger outside one of the windows of the house watching Lester Luthor pace the floor of the study. He has changed into a pale violet shirt and black pants. The cashmere sweater rests in a nearby trashcan.  
  
"He's kinda got that Lionel Luthor thing going on," Pete whispers.  
  
"I'm going to try to talk with him." Clark straightens. "You two stay here. If anything happens I'm depending on you to find Lana and get her out of there."  
  
The two Petes nod as they hang back watching Clark go to the door. He knocks.  
  
Lester screams, "Come on in!"  
  
Clark obeys and the two Petes watch through the window as he approaches Lester.  
  
"Hey, Lex. How you doing?"  
  
"Good, good. I seem to have lost all my servants. And I thought you were the Justice of the Peace."  
  
Clark smiles and swings his arms. "I brought the firewood and I just wanted to see if you needed anything else."  
  
"I need to pay you, right?" Searching his pockets, Lester stalks around the room.  
  
"You usually keep the money in that cabinet beside your desk." Clark offers helpfully.  
  
"Right, right, follow me."  
  
Clark trails after Lester and scans the upstairs of the mansion with his x-ray vision. He makes out a small Lana-like skeleton pounding on one of the bedroom doors.  
  
"Are you all on your own this evening, Lex?" Clark follows Lester in Lex's office.  
  
"No, I've gotten Lana Lang imprisoned upstairs as a means to lure Chloe Sullivan to the house." Lester reaches the cabinet and pulls open the bottom drawer. He marvels at the huge pile of cash trapped under a softball-sized glowing green meteor rock. Lester mumbles, "Paperweight...money weight..." He chucks the rock behind him. The meteor cracks into Clark's forehead and he collapses to the floor with the stone resting on his brow.  
  
Straightening with money in hand, Lester notices the prone Clark. He stomps over. "Hey, monkey-looking boy. Here's your money." He drops several hundred-dollar bills on Clark. No response. Lester nudges him with his foot. Before he can do anything else to Clark, Lester is distracted by the knocking at the door.  
  
"Coming!"  
  
Lester rushes over to the door and swings it open to reveal a frail little old man. The man focuses on Lester and explains, "I'm Jeb Tremel, the Justice of the Peace."  
  
"Right this way. Do you mind waiting a few minutes? The bride should be here soon." Lester lays hands on Jeb and half carries him into the room. "Would you like a drink?"  
  
Jeb brightens.  
  
Outside the window the two Petes crouch down in the bushes.  
  
"We've gotta help Clark!" Pete starts inching toward the door but Faux Pete pulls him back.  
  
"We can't do anything for Clark. We've got to get to Lana. We promised."  
  
Pete reaches out and lays a hand on his doppelganger's shoulder. "You're right. Let's try that door we were using when we were pretending to be servants."  
  
The two Petes hustle off just as Lex parks the car, headlights off, at the edge of the drive. He and Chloe slide out of the car and creep up the walkway toward the house.  
  
"You have a plan?" Chloe asks softly.  
  
"Not a plan so much as a course of action."  
  
"You're going to charge into the house and try to throttle him, aren't you?" Chloe shakes the handcuffs. "Remember, I am a girl and I fight like one."  
  
"Just stay out of the way."  
  
He sets off at a brisk walk and drags Chloe behind him. Shoving open the door, Lex beelines toward his office where Lester is sipping scotch with the Justice of the Peace.  
  
Lester sees Chloe and smiles broadly. "Chloe!"  
  
Chloe and Lex stop in their tracks as they access the roughly 6' 5" 300lb Lester and the unconscious Clark.  
  
Chloe makes the smallest of sounds and merely shakes her head.  
  
Lex begins. "What are you doing in my house?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Lex Luthor. This is where I live and reside."  
  
Lex turns an unhealthy pink and closes in on Lester. Chloe follows with her free hand covering her eyes.  
  
"You're one of my father's mistakes, aren't you? Lucien? No, Lucien was the one with a cleft palette. You must be Lester."  
  
Lester shifts uncomfortably at the mention of his real name. "My name is Lex Luthor."  
  
"No, I AM Lex Luthor. You might pretend that you're me but we both know the truth."  
  
"I'm Lex!" Lester whines.  
  
"What's Lex's favorite color?"  
  
"Blue!"  
  
Lex touches the collar of his lavender shirt and smirks at Lester's identical piece of clothing.  
  
Lester trembles. "I like purple?"  
  
"It's the color of royalty. Blue is the color of sad people. Sad like you, Lester."  
  
Lester screams. He shakes his fists over his head. "I hate purple!" He rips his shirt off revealing a body that is actually 3% body fat. He charges Lex, grabs him by his collar and head butts him.  
  
Lex crumples to the floor and pulls Chloe off her feet. She lands on her stomach and stares up at Lester.  
  
He kneels down and gently strokes her hair. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"  
  
"No. I'm fine...Lex."  
  
"Good." He inspects the handcuffs. Grabbing the chain that links the two cuffs, he snaps it without any real effort. He hoists Chloe up. "You're just in time."  
  
"Time for what?" Chloe asks the question even though she knows the answer will terrify her.  
  
"Time for us to get married."  
  
Chloe just looks at him for a moment. "We can't get married Lex. Where are we going to find a minister at this time of night?"  
  
"I've already got a Justice of the Peace."  
  
He gestures toward the tipsy Jeb who waves. "Congratulations!"  
  
"And we need at least one witness." She looks to both Clark and Lex. "One conscious witness."  
  
"Lana Lang is upstairs. She'll help you get ready. I picked out a gown for you."  
  
"Lex, I'm not sure I'd be the ideal wife for you. I mean, I talk a lot. And, I'm pretty sarcastic. And, and I'm constantly endangering my life and my friends' lives."  
  
"I love to hear you talk. And if someone tries to hurt you." He grinds his fist into his palm.  
  
Chloe smiles a little warily and lets him lead her up the stairs.  
  
They reach the first landing and approach the room where Lana is being held. The two Pete's are fighting to get the lock open.  
  
"The driver's license just isn't working."  
  
"Why do you keep our driver's license in your boxers?"  
  
Lester comes up behind them and grabs them both by their arms.  
  
Chloe blinks at the two Petes but takes it all in stride.  
  
Lester unlocks the door and forces Chloe into the bedroom. He looks to the two Petes. "Which of you tried to kill me?"  
  
Faux Pete lifts his hand.  
  
"Okay, I wanna keep an eye on you. You're going to be the best man."  
  
Lester shoves the other Pete into the bedroom and locks the door.  
  
A relieved Lana hugs Chloe and then Pete. "What's going on?"  
  
"I'm marrying Lex Luthor." Chloe sits on the bed.  
  
"The fake one, right?" Pete asks.  
  
"Yep." Chloe drops on the bed.  
  
There's a violent knocking on the door. Lester shouts, "You've got ten minutes!"  
  
Chloe lifts her head and tugs her cell phone out of pocket. She dials.  
  
"Of course, the police!" Lana whispers.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Kent. This is Chloe Sullivan. A Lex Luthor has Lana Lang and I locked in one of his bedrooms. And it appears I'm going to be forced to marry him in ten minutes. Mr. Kent?"  
  
At the Kent farm the phone rests on the floor as Jonathan rushes out the door with shotgun in hand.  
  
Back in their holding area, Chloe straightens. "I think he'll be here faster than the police. You two help me find that dress. We need to stall for time."  
  
All three begin to check the closets in the room.  
  
Downstairs in Lex's office, Clark stirs. Still resting on his forehead, the meteor rock pulsates between his eyes taunting him. He struggles to move his arms.  
  
His twitches draw the attention of Jeb, the Justice of the Peace, who looms over him with a highball.  
  
"You need some help, son?"  
  
Clark tries to speak.  
  
"Hey, Justice?!" Lester shouts from the adjoining room.  
  
Jeb toddles off leaving Clark to his own devices, such as they are.  
  
Swaying just a little, Jeb makes it out into the main entry of the house. Lester postures with his .45 in hand pointing out the respective places of the wedding party.  
  
Faux Pete stands to the left of the stairs and Lana lingers at the top.  
  
"Justice, just stand right here." Lester places Jeb near Faux Pete and then races across the room to retrieve a portable CD player. He punches play. The Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin begins and Lester gestures to Lana with the gun. Acting as a sort of bridesmaid, she slowly begins to descend the stairs.  
  
Then comes the distant sounds of a helicopter's rotors.   
  
Seated in the helicopter, Lionel Luthor speaks in a low and strangely flat voice to whomever is on the other end on the cell phone.  
  
"Do what you can to stop those two. And the Bulgarian woman. Whatever it takes."  
  
He puts the phone down and sits placidly looking out at the dark farmland sweeping by. In no particular order today, Lionel had found out that Lester had given away two top secret dossiers, had been spotted chasing two young men in their underwear and had bought a lot of women's clothes.  
  
The castle appears as a blaze of light in the distance and Lionel leans toward the pilot.  
  
"Put me down as close as you can."  
  
The roar of the helicopter almost drowns out the bridal march as Chloe, on Pete's arm, appears at the top of the stairs. Chloe's wedding gown looks like she just escaped from assisting a magician in a Vegas lounge act. The white dress hits just above the knee and the skirt and sleeves of the disaster are nothing but flouncy feathers.  
  
Pete instinctively looks up as the helicopter flies over. He whispers to Chloe as they continue their descent. "What's that?"  
  
"I'm hoping it's the Calvary." Chloe smiles and slows her pace even more.  
  
In the nearby office, Lex eyes flash open when he hears the helicopter. Struggling to get his bearings, he forces himself onto his hands and knees. He sees Clark and half-crawls and staggers toward his friend.  
  
Pretending to be unconscious, Clark allows Lex to shake him hard enough to send the meteor fragment sliding across the room.   
  
"Clark?"  
  
"Hmmmm, Lex?"  
  
Giving up on rousing his friend, Lex forces himself across the room. He grabs his fencing foil and tosses it aside as his attention is drawn to the bronze mace mounted on the wall. Heavy steel re-enforced handle, thick chain and two dangling spiked balls -- Lex realizes the mace is the perfect weapon when dealing with barbarians. He hefts it free and marches toward the strains of Lohengrin.  
  
Clark jumps to his feet and quietly follows.  
  
Outside the mansion, Lionel Luthor prowls toward the front door. Spotting Lex's car, he realizes his real son is probably very much alive. He smiles.  
  
"Luthor!"  
  
Lionel turns as Jonathan Kent charges toward him with a shotgun.  
  
"Jonathan Kent. What are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm going to stop your madman of a son from marrying Chloe Sullivan."  
  
Lionel blinks at him. "Married? Without a pre-nup!?" He hurls himself toward the front door with Jonathan at his side.  
  
A surprised Lionel staggers back from the locked door. "The new Lex is an idiot but at least he's responsible enough to lock the door."  
  
"The new Lex?"  
  
"Oh, never mind. Just use that gun to get this door open."  
  
Inside, Chloe reaches the bottom of the stairs and Lester joyfully shoves Pete out of the way to take her arm. Faux Pete catches his double and the two stand side by side.  
  
Jeb smiles over the proceedings and begins, "Hello, folks, we are gathered here today to unite this man, Lex Luthor..."  
  
"No, we are not!" Lex slides into the room and, with rage on his side, beans Lester on the top of the head.  
  
Lester's hand goes to his scalp. "It already hurts from being shaved!" And Lester passes out in a big shirtless heap just as Jonathan Kent blows a hole through the door with his shotgun.  
  
Through the plume of smoke, Lionel reaches in the gap and unlocks the door.  
  
He steps inside with Jonathan at his shoulder.  
  
The scene that greets them includes a mace-wielding Lex, an unconscious Lester, a confused looking Clark, an equally confused looking Lana, a feathered-wedding dress clad Chloe, the two boxer-short-wearing Petes and a hiccuping Justice of the Peace.  
  
Lionel Luthor is actually shocked into silence.  
  
Lex sees his father and charges with the mace in hand. "If you ever try to replace me again I will kill you. And replace you with that cousin of yours that you hate so much! The one who gives half his income to charity!"  
  
Lionel grins, steps forward and kisses his son on the top of the head.  
  
Lex looks very uncomfortable, as does everyone else in the room.   
  
"Lex, we have to try to undo some of the damage that buffoon has managed to inflict on LuthorCorp." Lionel hurries off in the direction of the office.  
  
With Clark at his side, Jonathan walks over to the two girls and the two Petes. "Is everyone okay?"  
  
There's a low affirmative murmur from the group.  
  
Pete looks to Lex. "I hate to admit it but you had the coolest moment. Whacking that guy with the mace. That was awesome."  
  
"Lex!" Lionel's voice booms from an adjoining room.  
  
"I'm considering carrying it with me at all times. I'll be back." Lex charges out of the room with the mace on his shoulder.  
  
Clark moves over to Chloe and Lana. He surveys Chloe's gown and smiles. "I like your dress."  
  
Chloe looks to Lana and they both crack up. Clark shrugs.  
  
"What about?" Jonathan asks as he glances from one Pete to the other.  
  
Chloe gasps between giggles. "Something similar happened a couple years ago to that farmer on Newley Road. The double just evaporated after a few weeks."  
  
Standing beside the unconscious Lester, Faux Pete sighs.  
  
"Hey?" Lester whispers softly catching Faux Pete's attention. "Let's get out of here. That helicopter is probably loaded with emergency money. If you've only got two weeks you shouldn't be stuck in this loony town."  
  
"You're not dead?" Faux Pete mutters without looking down.  
  
"I didn't wanna get married. She's shorter than I thought but I didn't wanna hurt her feelings."  
  
Faux Pete looks to the smoking door. "On the count of three."  
  
As soon as he says the word "three" Lester is off and running. Faux Pete gives chase.  
  
"Hey!" Clark yells which doesn't stop Lester or Faux Pete but it does flush out Lionel and Lex.  
  
The helicopter rotors hum to life and Lionel realizes what is going to happen, "They're hijacking it!"  
  
He tears off after the two and Lex nods to his guest. "Pardon me." He pursues his father.  
  
Outside, Lionel shields his eyes as the helicopter kicks up debris and dust. It shoots off into the night sky with Lester and Faux Pete waving goodbye.  
  
"When the insurance company calls what should I say?"  
  
"Tell them whatever you want." Lionel almost hisses as he rushes back toward the castle.  
  
"Oh, and Dad, I broke into the bank and stole your land grant book. It's been shredded."  
  
Lionel swirls around, "It's good to have you back son!"  
  
He strides back toward the house leaving Lex to watch the helicopter as it disappears over the first bank of trees.  
  
THE END 


End file.
